


They Named it Love

by BizarreAmy



Category: The Silmarillion and other histories of Middle-Earth - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Fingon gets rejected in this one, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Don't Even Know, It's just the two having a conversation about love, More of an exploration into elven aromanticism, The Russingon is one sided but the whole point of this, Unrequited Love, just read it
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-20
Updated: 2021-01-20
Packaged: 2021-03-12 04:01:04
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,091
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28879140
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BizarreAmy/pseuds/BizarreAmy
Summary: "I'm blessed to have your love. And your words I shall cherish in this world and beyond. But I cannot return it. I cannot love you as you deserve to be loved. For I am unable to."
Relationships: Fingon | Findekáno & Maedhros | Maitimo, Fingon | Findekáno/Maedhros | Maitimo
Comments: 10
Kudos: 26





	They Named it Love

**Author's Note:**

> I headcanon elves as demisexual. Just saying.  
> Not beta-read, mistakes are mine.

_I don't want to love, for it burns_

_pouring fire into my very soul._

_Writhing, screaming it yearns_

_for the breath that love stole_

_but didn't return._

Today was the day. Findekáno would wait no more. It was the eve of his begetting day and Findekáno thought he was as blessed today as he ever would be. He was going to tell Maitimo how he felt about him. Not that it should come as a surprise to his elder cousin. Ever since meeting him when a child of not yet a yén, Findekáno had been fascinated with Nelyo. Slowly, as he had grown over the years, that fascination had turned into an adoration so ardent that Findekáno could not hide it. Maitimo was his cousin, his friend but so much more at the same time. Only, Findekáno wasn't sure that the other knew that. His feelings coloured his behaviour for all and sundry to see, but just how deep they ran - not everyone knew, let alone Maitimo. The latter treated him the same as he would treat any other friend, perhaps a touch warmer but Findekáno couldn't be sure. And if he was to be rejected by the object of his admiration, then at least today he could drown his sorrows in some fine wine and call it a 'celebration'. So yes, today was the day.

"Maitimo," he called gently. And oh how he loved to say his name! To make the sound of the rhythm his heart beat to. If there ever was a song that only had a word in it, Findekáno was sure it would be the other's name. Maitimo. His name needed no melody to be sung to because it was a melody in itself. And if Findekáno said it just right, it would be beautiful, sad, happy, haunting, hopeful and every other emotion imaginable. All at once. Or if he chanted it over and over - as he was wont to do when the fire of his love for Maitimo threatened to consume him - the result would be a song to rival even one of Makalaurë's creations. And now he was starting to sound like a lovelorn bard. Oh well, he was at least one of the two. So he said it again, just because he could- "Maitimo."

"Hmm?" Nelyo replied, distractedly glancing away from the view he had been gazing at. They were seated in a tiny meadow atop a hill that overlooked a flowering glade. The glade was fairly popular among the people of Tirion, but the hill they sat on was far enough that they had relative privacy there. Hidden as it was by bushes and trees, Findekáno liked to think that the meadow was theirs - his and Maitimo's. They often found refuge there from their families and the Court and this day too, Findekáno had dragged Nelyo away for some respite from well-wishers. Privacy for his confession was just an added bonus.

"I need to tell you something," he said with all the sombreness he could muster. Inside, his nerves were on fire, but he showed none of that on his face. He couldn't ruin this now, could he? But it seemed he already had; for though he had Nelyo's complete attention now, there was something in his eyes that spoke of awareness. Nelyo looked as if he knew what Findekáno was going to tell him and his reaction was already apparent in his expression. The face that Findekáno could while away a whole decade staring at was marred with pain and pity. And how could Findekáno have been so wrong!? Did Maitimo have a secret love he knew nothing about? But how could that be? His cousin would share such a thing with him, wouldn't he?

Perhaps Nelyo saw the dawning horror in his eyes because his lips curled in that fond smile Findekáno loved and he asked softly, "What is it, Finno? You know you can tell me anything. Without fear of judgement."

And that was true. Whatever be the case, Maitimo would never scorn his love. Nor condemn him for it. The only fear was the lack of reciprocation. Yet what did he have to lose? So taking a deep breath yet avoiding Nelyo's eyes, he spoke, "I'm no bard, Maitimo. But if I could, I would write sonnets about how... how deep my love for you runs."

"Oh, Finno!" Nelyo whispered and Findekáno chanced a glance up at him. And the pity was back. Findekáno hated it. But it was also mingled with an affection that could not be missed. Though, it was pain that reigned supreme in the grey-green eyes he so often got lost in.

Yet disregarding all that, Findekáno ploughed on, determinedly meeting his gaze, "I believe there can be no mistaking the kind of love I feel for you. It's not familial, nor merely friendly. It is how a lover loves another. I feel it in my fëa. And I may be young, but I know that my love has seeped so deep into my very being that it has touched the flame which burns inside. And it has kindled it into a raging fire I must smother, just so that I could breathe without my heart giving out. Yet one stray thought of you, Maitimo, and the fire is lit again and I'm singed a little more every day. But I mind it not. How can I? When it is _you_ the fire burns for? I cannot claim to love you more than any elf has ever loved another. But this I can truthfully say - I love you like I shall never love again."

A small silence enveloped the two after Findekáno's passionate declaration. And as the moments stretched on, Findekáno's breathing sped up. This was it. Perhaps the most important moment of his entire existence. And he waited with bated breath to hear the words that would make or break his heart.

When the elder spoke, it was with undeniable fondness in his voice, "Yet you say you're no bard."

And that was not the reply Findekáno had been expecting at all. He wanted to shake Maitimo then, and demand a reciprocal or even a rejection - anything to put him out of this miserable uncertainty. But Findekáno had always followed the other's lead, so he answered in the same vein, "When one has Makalaurë as a cousin, one tends to be rightly modest."

Maitimo smiled then, small and hesitant, and when Findekáno lifted his eyes up, it was to find a contemplative gaze already on him. For a moment, Maitimo simply looked at him and Findekáno felt himself freeze - not just in his movements but also inside - for there was something sad in his cousin's demeanour and even before he parted his lips to speak, Findekáno knew what the other would say.

"Finno... I'm blessed to have your love. And your words I shall cherish in this world and beyond," Nelyo said, trying in vain to put balm on a wound that not even Estë could heal. And perhaps the guilt at causing him pain was too much for even the Fëanorion to bear, for he averted his eyes and sighed wearily, audibly, as if exhaling in that breath some of the heaviness his next words would carry. "But I cannot return it. I cannot love you as you deserve to be loved. For I am unable to."

They lied. Fear doesn't exaggerate bad outcomes, it underestimates them. For no amount of prolonged apprehension could have prepared Findekáno for the soul-crushing disappointment he was feeling. But he had to know, had to clarify, "You cannot love me or you will not?"

A bittersweet huff of laughter, "Who wouldn't love you, Finno? It'd be a fool indeed who would refuse to."

"Then don't be a fool, Maitimo," Findekáno exclaimed, leaning forward to catch his eyes. "Is it because we're cousins? That I'm a nér like you? I care not for such rules. I may not agree with Uncle Fëanáro on many things, but in this, he and I are of like minds. The Valar should have no sway over how and whom we should love." At this, Maitimo started shaking his head but Findekáno didn't let him interrupt. "No! They're not us. They do not feel as we do. So how can they understand love? Let not their law hold you back, Nelyo. For I will fight them if I have to."

"Ever the courageous one," replied Nelyo, reaching over to briefly smooth back Findekáno's hair. "I shall name you 'valiant'. Aye. Findekáno the Valiant - ready to fight the world for his love."

"For you." The words were barely spoken, his voice quiet like the wind that rustled the leaves around them. Because Findekáno was losing hope. This was the rejection he was expecting, wasn't it?

And it was as if Maitimo had read his mind because what he said next was an affirmation of the same, "If only I could say 'I'm in Love with you too' when you profess your passion and not be called a liar."

That was what did it. What broke Findekáno's heart for the first time. And the way its absolute abysmal agony consumed him, he doubted there would be much left for it to break a second time. This was to be his first and last heartbreak, he knew. "Why? Why can you not love me? Am I... Am I unlovable to you? Does the thought of loving me repulse you?" He was aware it was childish to ask for reassurance now, but Findekáno was desperate for it nonetheless.

As ever, Nelyo was quick to comply. "Nay! Never," he said loudly, voice alarmed, "It is neither the Valar's law nor you that keeps me from this 'sweetest joy'. Rather, it is that I know not how to fall in Love. I do not feel it as you do. As everyone else does. I've never felt that longing to have romance in my life. That attachment and ardour people look for. I tried to feel it. But I couldn't. It is simply not who I am."

His voice had quietened by the end like he was afraid of a rejection in return. Findekáno would never do that to him though. He didn't think it was even possible for him to do anything but accept whatever Maitimo would give him - this explanation included. But he didn't know how to process it. Just the thought of not Loving Maitimo the way he does... It frightened him. Who was Findekáno if not someone who Loved Maitimo Russandol most ardently? 

"Oh. I... I do not know what to say," Findekáno replied after a moment, having gathered whatever meagre words he could. "I hear you and I believe your words. But I don't understand them. Not yet. I was ready to graciously take your rejection, but to know that you will never feel for anyone what I feel for you, that thought is unbearable. It is a thing of beauty - to Love and be Loved. And it pains me greatly that you will never experience that."

Maitimo took a long look at him, so long that Findekáno had the urge to hide away from his burning gaze. Yet when he spoke, it was with a care one would use on birds, babies and all things delicate. "Do not be upset on my account, Finno. I'm touched but your pity is unnecessary. I do feel love" - here he reached out to take Findekáno's hand - "and I _do_ love you. Not in the way you want me to - with fervour and passion and all things rosy - but I love you all the same. Doubt not the depth of my love for you, for it is just as intense as yours. Indeed, if you look closely, it is not love that varies but its expression. You wish me to express my love as a lover would, but I cannot. And for that, I am sorry."

It hurt. It hurt to hear Maitimo repeatedly say he could not reciprocate his feelings. But Findekáno owed it to him to listen and respect what he has to say. So he tightened his hold on the other's hand, "No. Do not apologise for staying true to who you are. I love you, Maitimo, and that means every aspect of you. Even that which cannot Love me back."

Were he a painter, Findekáno would've captured the brilliance of the smile that overtook Maitimo's face then. But since he was not, his memory will have to do. Was it possible to freeze time and stay in one moment forever? Findekáno thought he could spend an eternity bearing witness to that smile and still crave it in the eternity after.

"The world should thank Eru every day that They created you," Nelyo said. "I am fortunate to know you, tyenya."

"And I you," he replied. Because he was. So grateful to have been born in a world where Maitimo existed too. Love or not, Maitimo was a blessing to have in one's life.

"Have you told anybody else?" Findekáno asked, gazing at the far end of the glade, or what was visible of it from their perch.

He saw Nelyo nod in his periphery as the latter answered, "My family. I first realised it when Káno started composing songs of Love and they didn't resonate with me as did his other songs. Káno's music can make me experience things I've never felt before, but I didn't experience the kind of love he was singing about then. I thought something was inherently wrong with me. So I went to grandfather Mahtan and he helped me in realising - that I wasn't loveless, just different. Ammë is worried for me, just like you. Atya even more so. They think that I shall be missing out on something indispensable to my existence. That I'll feel the void where a lover's comforting presence should be. But how can I miss something I've never felt the need for? Something I haven't experienced, nor ever will? You cannot miss things you never had nor wanted in your life."

Findekáno understood a bit more now, but it still saddened him to know Maitimo would never Love anyone. Or perhaps it was just his selfish heart that was upset. Because Maitimo's reasoning was sensible, was it not? How could he want something he has never known?

"Yet you see people around you experiencing that," Findekáno stated, the words coming out haltingly as he argued with his own thoughts. "Does that not make you yearn for it?"

"I admit I do feel curious, but from a scholarly perspective," Nelyo spoke, a contemplative look on his face. "I wish to study what one means when they say 'I've fallen in Love'. How is it different from simply loving? I know not. And none could explain it to me in a way I'd understand. I believe the same could be said for what I feel - or not feel. I couldn't really explain it to Amya and Atya. But I'm happy as I am and thus, so are they."

"As am I," Findekáno murmured. For what was love if not joy in your beloved's happiness? And Findekáno knew that it was true for any kind of love - romantic or not.

Maitimo sat up abruptly then, startling Findekáno who turned to face him. And it unsettled Findekáno to see the naked regret in his eyes. "I truly am sorry, Finno," he said. "But I did my best to love you like I could see you wished me to."

Oh. So Maitimo hadn't been as unaware of his admiration as he had thought.

"When I tried to feel Love, I tried for you," Nelyo continued. "There were others too, but for you, I tried the hardest. And that was what convinced me that I cannot feel it. Because if I couldn't fall in love with you, Findekáno, I never will."

Until now, Findekáno hadn't shed a tear. The searing pain he felt in his soul hadn't manifested outside of it. Yet. For it seemed as if whatever barrier had been holding back his heartache from taking over his body had finally broken. And as his teary eyes brimmed over, all Findekáno could do was curl in on himself and cry. He felt Maitimo's arms wrap him in an embrace and he let his face be tucked into the long neck covered with russet locks. "I'm sorry," Nelyo repeated over and over.

But this wasn't Maitimo's fault. None of it was. Findekáno had to let him know that he had nothing to apologize for. Not even for his tears. "No, no. You..." Findekáno tried to draw back to look up but Maitimo held tight.

"It is alright to cry, Finno," Nelyo said, gently rubbing his back. "I've got you. Cry as long as you need to."

And so Findekáno did. He must have cried for hours but Maitimo didn't let go once. It was bittersweet, to be so tenderly comforted by the very person who was the reason for his sadness. But Findekáno minded not. He had always preferred bitter things to sweets, anyway.

By the time the Second Mingling approached, his eyes had long dried up but they still sat warm in each other's embrace, silently taking in the view the glade provided. It was a nice day to be out and about. Perhaps the night would be even nicer with the wine he had promised himself.

"Finno," Nelyo called softly, making Findekáno look up. But he wouldn't meet his eyes, at least not until he had spoken again, "You do have my love, Findekáno."

Oh. Had Maitimo's eyes always been this intense? "I know," Findekáno whispered back and he was proud to note that his voice even contained a tinge of contentment. Because being loved, in any form, by Maitimo was more than enough for Findekáno to live a most fulfilling life. "And you have my eternal devotion to your happiness, Maitimo." He smiled then, the act taking far less effort than he expected it would. Who said loving someone requires them to love you back? Findekáno could grow to find joy in the act of loving too. With that thought, he snuggled back into Maitimo's side, not waiting for an answer to his declaration.

"I know," came the hushed answer anyway, as a fond kiss was placed on Findekáno's temple.

Findekáno knew he'd feel that kiss for eternity. And still crave it in the eternity after.

**Author's Note:**

> This had been in the works for a long time. So happy to finish it! Might write an additional scene with asexuality discussion but that's for another day. Thanks for reading! Leave a comment and let me know what you think :)  
> Take care!


End file.
